Fucked Up

from by Douglas Chay

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Fucked up, pushed down
Don't you make a sound
Recoiled, or bashed in
There is no way for you to move again

Straight jacket, streamlined, do you remember what's mine?
I'm disappearing every time I poke the pain in my mind
And when I try to recover, try to come back home
All I find's another picture there of me all alone

I want you here but still I push you away, is that OK?
I try to find the words but I can't say
Put a pen in my hand so I can try to write it down
But you can't read my writing
Don't you ditch me just because

I'm fucked up, I'm blown away
For pushing it I'm gonna pay
Bent down, and screwed up
Pouring myself into my own cup

Banging my head till I see spots of red
Though I want you to stop me you're asleep in your bed
And so I cut up my eyes cause I don't realize
That what I'm doing is permanent when the razor collides

I need your help I can't do this myself, can you tell?
I'm letting go of all the things I held
Put a pill in my mouth so I can try to calm down
But I can't stop from shaking and my forehead is sweating
Cause I don't keep forgetting all the times I got burned
But I need someone with me
Don't you drop me just because I'm

Fucked up, I'm shut down
In every direction spread around
Messed up and pinned in
Hovering inches above my skin

Stuffing my face but this food won't replace
All the love that I needed, food won't fill that up
And so I shove up my nose another note of escrow
So I can count all the numbers falling down my throat

I want you here but still I push you away, is that OK?
I try to find the words but I can't say
So I type it on the screen that flickers in front of me
And I phone it to your home and leave it on your machine
But I can't stop from thinking that you're already gone
And I know I'm imposing, don't you leave me just because I'm

Fucked up, I'm belt-whipped
I'm giving myself like a gift
Left alone, and glass cracked
I'm talking about me behind my back

© 1996 Douglas Chay
All Rights Reserved


from Wide Awake at Five, released January 10, 2003
Chuck Walker: Drums
Dan Cook: Bass
Douglas Chay: Everything Else


all rights reserved



Douglas Chay Baltimore, Maryland

Influences include Violent Femmes, the Velvet Underground & Talking Heads, but the music of his forebears is filtered through his own distinctive world view & sonic approach, resulting in a creation uniquely his own.

Simple without being simplistic, accessible without being sycophantic, & clever without feeling smug, he achieves a compelling balance between the new & the familiar. - Scott Hollis
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